In this article at CareerRocketeer.com, the writer encourages us to focus on what we can give when networking. Ugh! That dreaded word! Networking!
But listen up! He says, “Start networking meetings not by talking about yourself and your situation, but rather by asking questions. Listen more….Ask how you can help.”
What is networking anyways? To me its a way of reaching out to new people and groups in my community (which by the way… is Corvallis, OR). Why do this? Well, its a surefire way of provoking one’s own learning. Which just happens to be one of the objectives of a Fierce Conversation. And you know what I learn? That “those” people aren’t as different as I thought they would be. Check out this article and see if it helps you put a new spin on the term “networking.” http://www.careerrocketeer.com/?s=secret+of+networking
How to hold a difficult conversation? As life so wonderfully arranges, this has been on my mind! At first I thought of creating an NVC needs statement (Non-violent communication – Marshall Rosenberg) . This is where you state 1) what you observed, 2) what you felt, and the values/needs not being met that created that feeling and 3) follow up with a request. Why did I not jump to the confrontation conversation model from our Fierce Conversations® workshop? Yes that was my next question, too! (If you have a copy of the Fierce Conversations Book, you can look up the the “opening statement” in the index and be directed to 9 pages of good stuff! You can also look at the appendix with the 7 steps of the opening statement.)
So taking a closer look I unveiled what is probably more than just my own fear. It looks too simple! As an HR Professional, when I think of confrontations I think of the potentially sticky, ugly, nasty ones such as a disciplinary conversations (e.g. written warnings or termination). At first glance the confrontation model seems a bit thin – 1) naming the issue, 2) describing the issue, 3) saying how I feel, 4) clarifying what is at stake, and then 5) identifying my own contribution and 6) desire to fix the problem – how will that protect anyone in that sort of conversation! Cha-ching! (The gears starting to align.) The power in this handy model comes from the shift of our own paradigm from win/lose or “power over” to something else – something more lasting, more enduring and more satisfying.
Think about it right now…what does an end to a difficult conversation look like to you? How do you define “success?” Did you get your point across? Did you feel heard? Are they apologizing to you – saying you were right? This is the same old mucky power-over dynamic and it is neither enduring nor satisfying. I encourage you to reach out towards greener pastures and explore what it would look like if you felt at peace with yourself, felt generous again to that individual, we able to again give them the benefit of the doubt. Wouldn’t that flexibility feel better? Isn’t the real problem something to do with feeling constrained? Having to hold ourselves in check so that we don’t get hurt again?
So what does that little 60 second opening statement do for you in a conversation? A ba-zillion things! Here’s what I have come up with so far:
- It gives me some words to start a difficult conversation (this is worth a million bucks in itself!)
- It doesn’t communicate that I know everything about the situation and leaves the door open for the other person to respond.
- I get to speak my needs and why its important to me, since I sometimes forget to do that and that’s why I’m still upset later.
- Once the conversation is going, it allows me to “be natural” again and use my best gut instincts to keep me from steering into the muck again.
- Its the ultimate test in my paradigm shifting towards conversations being the relationship. Am I remembering to be “con” or “with?”
- And because I can’t dump the whole saga in just 60 seconds… I have the opportunity to experience the feeling that all those details don’t really matter right now. The real satisfaction and joy comes from being in relationship with the person again and being able to just “be.” The power is now power from within.
How has “power from within” shown up in your difficult conversations?
I’m discovering that my journey is not only to find a “what” but rather to experience a “how” in the whole process of getting to the end result. Its the fact that we are journeying or moving at all that is important. Am I saying to keep up all the hubbub in our lives? No! I’m saying that the activity isn’t the problem! In activity and the process of movement we are forced to find what is constant. This is is the discipline of the common elastic band (not the discipline of the monk in some monastery).
When we start asking ourselves, is there somewhere saner than this constant expansion and contraction? Somewhere saner than this constant movement between seemingly opposites, extreme emotions, opposing beliefs or endless activity? Just by asking the question we are changing our lens to look at something beyond the elastic band itself. On our journey we are taking time to look beyond up from our tracks in the sand to take in the whole beach scene. I wonder what constants you are noticing in your activity?
